If your tires won't stick, you must acquit

I love it. You can't make this kind of stuff up.

"Drinking when your truck stuck in mud is not DUI, judge rules"

"The fact that his truck was so deeply stuck in a waterfilled ditch that he couldn't drive out is what saved a 31-year-old man from a drunk driving conviction."

I'll spare you the details of this hard-hitting Start Phoenix investigative report - other than to note that justice prevails in Saskatchewan when it comes to the important things in life: mudding, giant 4x4s, beer, and small-town Sunday night house parties. You can be sure of that - this story of a guy who got stuck, drunk, arrested, then acquitted (in that order) is the most read story on the Star Phoenix website.

What I don't get it what was the cop's problem? What the hell else are you supposed to do when your truck is stuck in the mud in the middle of buttfuck nowhere Saskatchewan? That nice cold 8-pack of Pil' ain't gonna drink itself, now is it? No wonder the two ended up wrestling around in the mud. They probably shook hands after and became best buds.

Thankfully, justice was handed down by a judge. And be thankful it didn't go to a jury - can you imagine what would have happened had this case been decided by a group of this man's peers? How long would the deliberations have been? They would have spent weeks debating whether the truck got stuck because it was a Ford or a Chevy (with the accompanying Calvin pissing sticker). They also would have spent endless time arguing over whether the real culprit was the field - and the traction difference between canola and wheat. Even if they resolved that, another two weeks would have been spent arguing whether the policeman should be charged instead for killing a good buzz.

2013 Grey Cup Rider Fan Top Ten

Well, well, well. The Riders have won the Grey Cup. And they did it in Regina. I watched the game and I must say that seeing all those crazy rider fans sure brought back the memories. Hah! Who am I kidding, how could one forget the sheer madness that is the Rider Nation – that wonderful country of drunken lunatics with a oversized rodent as president.

At least he/she/it can ride a bike.

I’ve written before about my impressions of Rider fans before... not once, not twice, but three times (a turnover in CFL rules football). So, as a tribute to the Roughrider Grey Cup victory, here are the top ten pics of future Riderfan Hall of Famers (drum roll please).....

 

 #10

Nudity, a vuvuzela, oversized green sunglasses, and severely inebriated. Nope, no creature more annoying exists on earth.

 

#9

It was love at first sight. This husband and ??? met at a Rider game (we don’t know the sex of the other since the mask has never come off – and it never will as they won that day).

 #8

Watermelon helmets are not just for show in SK. They are considered an art form, as per this tasteful creation.

  #7

A Rider fan's take on Derek Zoolander's trademark look – "Green Steel."

 #6

The look of sheer pleasure on this gentleman's face is undeniable. Remember, it's not illegal if you do it at Mosaic Stadium.

#5

C'mon! The real green men are Canuck fans -  you know, the guys who taunt opponents in the penalty box. Couldn't Rider fans have come up with something more original?

#4

Er.... I take that back.

#3

They see me rolling … they hatin'

#2

Even dogs aren't spared from the lunacy. This poor pooch is too embarrassed to even show its face.

 

#1

Words cannot do justice. Only burps, grunts, snorts, and the sound of someone barfing.

 

 

Saskatchewan learns how to make a circle

Holy Jesus, it's been awhile since I thought about good ol' Saskatchewan. This is partly because you never see a Saskatchewan license plate in BC (due to natural physics as Pontiac Sunfires are incapable of crossing the Rocky Mountains without exploding into a dazzling ball of flame). No magic required there, just crappy GM engineering.

 

 

 

However, Internet is capable of passing where no Sunfire or hairy-footed hobbit can. Which is how I came across this magical story: Circle Drive is about to become..... well...... a......circle!

 

 

A complete circle. Wow. Look out Nostradamus, the original namers of this highway to nowhere have got one up on you, naming a circle that would become.... a circle... *chills*

 

Wait. Wait a god damn minute. Has anyone actually bothered to see what this "circled" drive actually looks like?

 

 

 

Circle Drive, you disappoint me. You are not a circle. You are a square. With a bad haircut to boot. And you are ten years late to the party (I can forgive the last bit as you are, after all, born and raised, from Saskatchewan).

 

But maybe I am short-sighted. Have I not considered the larger social good? Did I not think about all of those good east side people who will now be able to drive a shorter distance to the garbage dump... er-I mean future ski-hill? How dumb of me. Dwelling on shapes. What a jerk. A circle jerk, to be exact.

 

Do I have to eat the cracker?