Saturday, August 29, 2009

Top Ten Survival Tips for Ex-Pat Saskatchwaners:

Having lived out of the province for long enough, I’ve assembled a list of survival tips for Saskatchewan ex-pats. If you are considering the move out of the rectangle of regression, read these carefully or run the risk of appearing like a fish out of water, kind of like Brendan Fraser in Encino Man:

1) Immediately ditch the t-shirt with the dumb sayings on the front (i.e. “Not everything on the prairies is flat,” “Baba gave me beer money,” anything with a John Deere logo, etc.) Wearing these shirts will blow your cover.
2) Learn to enjoy the mountains. Don’t worry – the “Lions” in Vancouver are not real lions.
3) Enjoy the exotic delights of the fresh fish section of a grocery store. Yes, all those strange creatures are edible.
4) Feel reassured that the entire provincial economy doesn’t depend solely on potash, and its plummeting prices.
5) Don’t ask for a “Pil” at the bar. They not know what you mean, and perhaps this is best.
6) Forget what a “bunnyhug” is. Non-Saskies will not know what you speak of, and again, this is prolly best.
7) There are a LOT of ex-Saskatchewan’ers in other provinces. When you meet one such ex-pat, be sure to laud how wonderful Saskatchewan is, but and then agree that you will ever go back for any reason. Ever.
8) Go to a BC Lions home game. See for yourself what asses Rider fans can be when they are out of their element. Indeed, getting smash drunk and wearing a watermelon on your head isn’t so funny when you’re the only one.
9) Don’t be afraid to take the bus. BC’s major cities have well-developed public transit systems. But don’t worry about taking the bus – taking public transit in BC is perfectly normal and is not akin to saying “I wish I could afford a Sunfire but can’t.”
10) Never start a conversation by saying, “How great would it be to have an NDP government again.” You may not like the responses you get.

These tips will help you to recover from the memory of Saskatchewan. Purge it from your mind. Soon it will be forgotten like a horrible, horrible dream.

No comments: