Thursday, February 28, 2008

The 10 Holy Commandments for Saskatchewan Drivers

Saskatchewan drivers are the absolute worse of all the provinces. I am reminded of this every time I step into my car and drive anywhere in this flattened hell-plateau. I have compiled a holy list of the ten Saskatchewan driving commandments so you too can become a crappy Saskatchewan driver. Just follow these 10 easy rules!

Buy a Pontiac Sunfire. This is the official pace car of Saskatchewan so drive it proud (that is, before it falls apart). If you can’t afford one of these Oshawa beauties, be sure to get a Chev Cavalier, an older Chevette or better yet, Hyundai Pony or Excel.

Drive at least 10 km/hr below the speed limit at all times. Who’d want to miss all that beautiful flat scenery anyways?

When approaching a four way stop intersection, always let the other driver go first, regardless of when you got there or their position in proximity to your Sunfire. The golden rule here is: the most Saskatchewan person will ALWAYS wave the other driver to proceed first. Don’t stand out from the socialist horde but instead, BE LIKE TOMMY!

Accessorize your care according to Saskatchewan protocols. This means getting seat covers (preferably zebra or leopard skin print), fuzzy dice, a vanilla air freshener, and FILTHY DUST to decorate the insides of your Sunfire in the Saskatchewan style.

If you MUST merge or change lanes, you have to do this precisely one kilometer in advance of where you need to actually do this. Again, think “WHAT WOULD TOMMY DO?”

Never turn left if you can see a car coming. Sask drivers have no depth perception because if they can see the outline of an approaching car as they turn left at an intersection, they will not turn until the horizon is clear. You don’t want to risk the chance of somehow offending the oncoming car. It might be your Mennonite baba.

If you see a pedestrian, STOP RIGHT THERE AND NOW and let the pedestrian cross the road UNLESS that pedestrian is standing at a crosswalk, which means do not stop. Instead, drive on and wave to the pedestrian and smile. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen this happen… but I think it is related to the four-way stop etiquette.

Never honk your horn. Horns are only to be used for getting your friend’s attention at wheat field parties, not while you are actually driving.

Never, ever, ever change lanes. If you are behind someone turning, you must never go around them. To do so would be like saying I am better than you which is akin to blasphemy in Saskatchewan.

This is the most important rule of all: DRIVE EVERYWHERE. To be Saskatchewan means to avoid physical exercise at all cost and to drive everywhere. Never walk anywhere since this will entail physical exercise. Saskatchewaners are among the fattest in Canada so wear that flab proudly and always be sure to drive to Superstore to get those extra big bags of Lay’s chips. Besides, walking or taking the bus means you are poor—only society’s affluent can afford to drive a Sunfire.


BlackSheepInSaskOMG said...

Ahh this is soooo true.

Anonymous said...

Ok, that was your funniest blog entry to date, even though I agree with what you're saying. Hopefully the NDP will be in opposition or worse for a long time to come. Things are starting to turn around under the SaskParty. As long as the NDP doesn't form government, we will have some semblance of normalcy. Saskatchewan's backwardness can be traced from the time they first formed the government. Contrary to Saskatchewan NDP mythology, Tommy Douglas didn't invent medicare. The Germans under Otto Von Bismarck had it in the 1880s, before Saint Tommy was even born.

Anonymous said...

fricking funny...because it is true. Dont forget the no signaling capital of canada as well. The reason I don't signal is because almost all of the pricks driving here speed up and won't let you in if you are changing lanes. They must be thinking " that f**ker is not going to beat me to that next red light up ahead" Keep up this blog.