“Spring” in Saskatchewan

I hate this time of year. While the rest of Canada is frolicking in flower blossoms and having tulip throwing wars, we here in Saskatchewan get to slog through two more months of winter. The worst part is when we get days like this week when the temperature rises up and things start to melt. The roads become brown lakes, the sidewalks become mud, and it is impossible to keep your clothes or car clean if you leave your house. I can also tell that spring is near as all the dog shit on the sidewalks that dog owners have neglected to pick up over the last five months begins to thaw. Stepping in that thawed pooh is real TREAT that you can only get here. I also love how during the day, melting causes everything to liquefy yet at night it all freezes again, creating roads about as smooth as Bryan Adam’s cheek. Driving around on that bumpy mess makes me feel like my car has hydraulics and cranking up some snoop on my stereo. I wish some Saskatchewan person would show me how to drive on that stuff without all my fillings falling out. Surely they have found a way to drive on it without spilling their precious Tim Horton’s double double.

The 10 Holy Commandments for Saskatchewan Drivers

Saskatchewan drivers are the absolute worse of all the provinces. I am reminded of this every time I step into my car and drive anywhere in this flattened hell-plateau. I have compiled a holy list of the ten Saskatchewan driving commandments so you too can become a crappy Saskatchewan driver. Just follow these 10 easy rules!

#1
Buy a Pontiac Sunfire. This is the official pace car of Saskatchewan so drive it proud (that is, before it falls apart). If you can’t afford one of these Oshawa beauties, be sure to get a Chev Cavalier, an older Chevette or better yet, Hyundai Pony or Excel.

#2
Drive at least 10 km/hr below the speed limit at all times. Who’d want to miss all that beautiful flat scenery anyways?

#3
When approaching a four way stop intersection, always let the other driver go first, regardless of when you got there or their position in proximity to your Sunfire. The golden rule here is: the most Saskatchewan person will ALWAYS wave the other driver to proceed first. Don’t stand out from the socialist horde but instead, BE LIKE TOMMY!

#4
Accessorize your care according to Saskatchewan protocols. This means getting seat covers (preferably zebra or leopard skin print), fuzzy dice, a vanilla air freshener, and FILTHY DUST to decorate the insides of your Sunfire in the Saskatchewan style.

#5
If you MUST merge or change lanes, you have to do this precisely one kilometer in advance of where you need to actually do this. Again, think “WHAT WOULD TOMMY DO?”

#6
Never turn left if you can see a car coming. Sask drivers have no depth perception because if they can see the outline of an approaching car as they turn left at an intersection, they will not turn until the horizon is clear. You don’t want to risk the chance of somehow offending the oncoming car. It might be your Mennonite baba.

#7
If you see a pedestrian, STOP RIGHT THERE AND NOW and let the pedestrian cross the road UNLESS that pedestrian is standing at a crosswalk, which means do not stop. Instead, drive on and wave to the pedestrian and smile. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen this happen… but I think it is related to the four-way stop etiquette.

#8
Never honk your horn. Horns are only to be used for getting your friend’s attention at wheat field parties, not while you are actually driving.

#9
Never, ever, ever change lanes. If you are behind someone turning, you must never go around them. To do so would be like saying I am better than you which is akin to blasphemy in Saskatchewan.

#10
This is the most important rule of all: DRIVE EVERYWHERE. To be Saskatchewan means to avoid physical exercise at all cost and to drive everywhere. Never walk anywhere since this will entail physical exercise. Saskatchewaners are among the fattest in Canada so wear that flab proudly and always be sure to drive to Superstore to get those extra big bags of Lay’s chips. Besides, walking or taking the bus means you are poor—only society’s affluent can afford to drive a Sunfire.

Saskatchewan: Home of Anti-Semitism

Well, more loud reminders this week that anti-Semitism is alive and well in Saskatchewan. Sure, anti-Semites are everywhere but only HERE in Saskatchewan will you find ones still publicly proud to say so and willing to righteously defend their actions. And the latest one was as university instructor to boot!
http://www.cbc.ca/canada/saskatchewan/story/2008/01/28/tremaine.html
Just when one didn’t have enough reasons to hate living in this province we can now add “home of the proud anti-Semites” to our name.

And to make things worse, the David Ahenakew story isn’t going away anytime soon either—a new trial was ordered for him for his oh-so-memorable comments made a few years ago about the Holocaust.
http://www.cbc.ca/canada/saskatchewan/story/2008/02/01/ahenakew-retrial.html
Doug Christie should set up shop here since he’ll have enough clientele for life.

Ghandi? WTF?

In case you are like me you can’t help but wonder why the hell there’s a Ghandi statue downtown. And it’s a great big one too. Scares little children and old ladies. What does Ghandi have to do with Saskatoon? Maybe he came here once just to see how much better life is in India under colonial rule than here. He probably went back home and said, “Boy, am I glad I don’t live in that shithole province Saskatchewan! Let’s all go sit down and talk about how shitty it is there.” Then again, I bet that some idiot in City Hall bought it thinking it was a statue of Junior from the Sopranos. Too bad it’s not. It’d make more sense to me. It would symbolize that you’d have to be old and insane to want to live here.