Thou Shalt Not Complain

I had a good chuckle reading about the recent scandal at the University Of Saskatchewan, my old stomping grounds of higher learning. That venerable place of furry dog mascots, underground tunnels, and bizarre ritualistic warring between Ag and Engineering students.

 

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/saskatoon/university-of-saskatchewan-board-fires-president-ilene-busch-vishniac-1.2650301

University of Saskatchewan board fires president Ilene Busch-Vishniac

"The move to let Busch-Vishniac go comes after a flurry of criticism surrounding a decision to dismiss and end the tenure of a professor who openly criticized the university's leadership. That professor, Robert Buckingham, was returned to his teaching duties after Busch-Vishniac conceded the move was a 'blunder'."

And why was the professor fired? For having sex with several students? Nope. For publishing research from grad students as his own? Nada. For getting drunk and humping one of those dinosaur skeletons in the geology building? Sorry, no.

 

The prof got fired for something much worse. For complaining. Is there any greater sin to commit in Saskatchewan? Complaining is the first commandment in the Rectangle of Regression. Don't do it. It'll get you into a heap of trouble if you dare to, even within the supposedly world of free speech at the university.

 

Alma Mater STFU

 

If you've lived in Saskatchewan, you know what I am talking about. If you haven't (which means you are not currently wearing a T-Shirt that says "Not everything on the Prairies is flat") here's the low-down:

You simply do not complain in Saskatchewan. Ever. Anywhere. About anything. Still don't quite understand? Here's a helpful FAQ:

Q: I just bought a used Chevy Cobalt from a friend and the wheels fell off on the drive home. What should I do?

A: Nothing. Just be happy with your purchase of the new pace car of Saskatchewan. In fact, buy your pal a sixer of Pil as a gift.

Q: I ordered a double cheeseburger from McDonalds and it arrived with only one patty, and no cheese. What gives?

A: You obviously ordered the wrong item. You should apologize to the staff for your mistake.

Q: I just waited four hours to see a doctor at a medical clinic. Should I say that this is unacceptable in the home of public healthcare?

A: No. This is normal. Take one for the team.

Q: The cashier at the Co-op overcharged me for fishing bait. Should I demand the difference back?

A: And steal from your brothers and sisters? Just walk away and go fishing. That slimy old jack you catch will only taste that much sweeter.

Q: I just got back from Old Navy and they are out of cargo shorts. Who should I complain to?

A: Join the club. Cargo shorts are in hot demand here.

And for all other questions:

Q: Who should I complain to about ______?

A: Nobody. Go back to Alberta. This is Saskatchewan.

The nightmare lives on

Have you ever lived in Saskatchewan? Step into my nightmare...

I haven't been to Saskatchewan in almost five years. Yet I still sometimes have dreams - nightmares? - about what life was like there. That place, that evil, awful, nasty, hellish place. The rectangle of regression.

Yes, it happens. My mind wanders, usually when it is in a vulnerable, tired state. Numb. It goes back to that dark place. The cursed land.

I only go there when I am weak. Fragile. Sleeping. Having a bad dream. In Hell.

Saskatchewan

They see me rollin...

It happens. Maybe once every 3 or 4 months. I wake up in the morning. Or maybe it is my wife. One of us has done it. Dreamt of that place. That awful, mediocre province that shall not be spoken of.

Saskatchewan

Fuck. These dreams are the worst. They always remind us of what life was like there. Cold. Boring. Dirty. Plain. White. Mediocre. Fat. Did I say cold?

Saskatchewan

I still hate it.

If your tires won't stick, you must acquit

I love it. You can't make this kind of stuff up.

"Drinking when your truck stuck in mud is not DUI, judge rules"

"The fact that his truck was so deeply stuck in a waterfilled ditch that he couldn't drive out is what saved a 31-year-old man from a drunk driving conviction."

I'll spare you the details of this hard-hitting Start Phoenix investigative report - other than to note that justice prevails in Saskatchewan when it comes to the important things in life: mudding, giant 4x4s, beer, and small-town Sunday night house parties. You can be sure of that - this story of a guy who got stuck, drunk, arrested, then acquitted (in that order) is the most read story on the Star Phoenix website.

What I don't get it what was the cop's problem? What the hell else are you supposed to do when your truck is stuck in the mud in the middle of buttfuck nowhere Saskatchewan? That nice cold 8-pack of Pil' ain't gonna drink itself, now is it? No wonder the two ended up wrestling around in the mud. They probably shook hands after and became best buds.

Thankfully, justice was handed down by a judge. And be thankful it didn't go to a jury - can you imagine what would have happened had this case been decided by a group of this man's peers? How long would the deliberations have been? They would have spent weeks debating whether the truck got stuck because it was a Ford or a Chevy (with the accompanying Calvin pissing sticker). They also would have spent endless time arguing over whether the real culprit was the field - and the traction difference between canola and wheat. Even if they resolved that, another two weeks would have been spent arguing whether the policeman should be charged instead for killing a good buzz.

2013 Grey Cup Rider Fan Top Ten

Well, well, well. The Riders have won the Grey Cup. And they did it in Regina. I watched the game and I must say that seeing all those crazy rider fans sure brought back the memories. Hah! Who am I kidding, how could one forget the sheer madness that is the Rider Nation – that wonderful country of drunken lunatics with a oversized rodent as president.

At least he/she/it can ride a bike.

I’ve written before about my impressions of Rider fans before... not once, not twice, but three times (a turnover in CFL rules football). So, as a tribute to the Roughrider Grey Cup victory, here are the top ten pics of future Riderfan Hall of Famers (drum roll please).....

 

 #10

Nudity, a vuvuzela, oversized green sunglasses, and severely inebriated. Nope, no creature more annoying exists on earth.

 

#9

It was love at first sight. This husband and ??? met at a Rider game (we don’t know the sex of the other since the mask has never come off – and it never will as they won that day).

 #8

Watermelon helmets are not just for show in SK. They are considered an art form, as per this tasteful creation.

  #7

A Rider fan's take on Derek Zoolander's trademark look – "Green Steel."

 #6

The look of sheer pleasure on this gentleman's face is undeniable. Remember, it's not illegal if you do it at Mosaic Stadium.

#5

C'mon! The real green men are Canuck fans -  you know, the guys who taunt opponents in the penalty box. Couldn't Rider fans have come up with something more original?

#4

Er.... I take that back.

#3

They see me rolling … they hatin'

#2

Even dogs aren't spared from the lunacy. This poor pooch is too embarrassed to even show its face.

 

#1

Words cannot do justice. Only burps, grunts, snorts, and the sound of someone barfing.

 

 

Saskatchewan learns how to make a circle

Holy Jesus, it's been awhile since I thought about good ol' Saskatchewan. This is partly because you never see a Saskatchewan license plate in BC (due to natural physics as Pontiac Sunfires are incapable of crossing the Rocky Mountains without exploding into a dazzling ball of flame). No magic required there, just crappy GM engineering.

 

 

 

However, Internet is capable of passing where no Sunfire or hairy-footed hobbit can. Which is how I came across this magical story: Circle Drive is about to become..... well...... a......circle!

 

 

A complete circle. Wow. Look out Nostradamus, the original namers of this highway to nowhere have got one up on you, naming a circle that would become.... a circle... *chills*

 

Wait. Wait a god damn minute. Has anyone actually bothered to see what this "circled" drive actually looks like?

 

 

 

Circle Drive, you disappoint me. You are not a circle. You are a square. With a bad haircut to boot. And you are ten years late to the party (I can forgive the last bit as you are, after all, born and raised, from Saskatchewan).

 

But maybe I am short-sighted. Have I not considered the larger social good? Did I not think about all of those good east side people who will now be able to drive a shorter distance to the garbage dump... er-I mean future ski-hill? How dumb of me. Dwelling on shapes. What a jerk. A circle jerk, to be exact.

 

Do I have to eat the cracker?

A Recycled Story?

People who live in Saskatchewan can look forward to a number of things every spring. No, I am not referring to spraining your ankle in a gopher hole, nor seeing the mountains of dog pooh that are revealed by the melting snow, courtesy a winter’s worth of lazy dog owners. Nor am I talking about the dust bowls on all the streets that sandblast you until July, because it takes that long for the city sweepers to get to them.

I am talking about the debate over curbside recycling pickup. You see, Saskatoon is one of the few jurisdictions in the civilized world where there is no curbside recycling program. This is by choice, as every year it seems, city residents vote down proposals to institute a recycling program that would cost a few dollars a months per house. Instead, a majority of citizens vote no, and choose to continue to throw all their glass, plastic, and paper products into the trash to be hauled away to the landfill. The alternate is for residents to drive to a recyclable drop off site, most of which are located on the outskirts of the city. Neither option is very green, even if your Pontiac Sunfire has emerald flake paint.

What me worry?

Loyal fans of this blog will remember me covering this topic in an earlier post. Well, the debate is back and citizens are once again up in arms, with a vigour that would make Louis Riel shy away. You see, to most Saskatchewaners, recyclables are GARBAGE, pure and simple. Accordingly, who in their right mind should have to pay to sort their GARBAGE and put it in a blue box on the street corner for all to see? I mean, really, who can be bothered having to sort GARBAGE! Well, not these fine commenters on the Star Phoenix website.

STOP MANDATORY RECYCLING 1:33 AM on May 7, 2011
These things will undoubtedly land in the landfill: *** GLASS, STYROFOAM, LAUNDRY SOAP CONTAINERS, SHAMPOO/CONDITIONER, MARGARINE & YOGURT CONTAINERS, etc. are still going to the landfill AFTER You put it in your recycling container! WHAT A WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY!
****Also many community gardeners would appreciate Yogurt & Margarine type containers for their gardening, so they are at least reused and nearly decomposed after years of reuse!
I AGREE!
"I pay property taxes for garbage collection and I pay to use the landfill."
"I do not get paid to sort garbage for the City!"
"If recycling is so economical then why is the city not PAYING me to recycle?"
****MEMO TO CITY COUNCIL****
WE ARE ALL ALREADY PAYING MORE THAN WE SHOULD BE FOR LACK OF GOOD SERVICES!
Keep your hands out of OUR wallets!

anon148658090 10:54 PM on May 6, 2011
I pay property taxes for garbage collection and I pay to use the landfill.
I do not get paid to sort garbage for the City!
If recycling is so economical then why is the city not PAYING me to recycle.
For example, Sarcan PAYS for recycled cans because it is cheaper to make cans from recycled aluminum.
Memo to City Council - I am paying more than enough already for crappy service! Keep your hands out of my wallet!

Rick951 5:05 PM on May 6, 2011
I sure hope that there will be an opt-out for people who choose to go with services like Loraas. I will be livid if the city expects me to double pay when I will not be using their service. I have no garage and no room in my house to sort garbage, so I will definitely stick to Loraas.
On top of that, the city's ridiculous "every second week" garbage pickup in the winter makes me loathe to give them any more money to run another waste program.

anon148658090 11:39 AM on May 6, 2011
So, the City is going to hire more unionized workers to collect and sort our garbage and stiff us with the bill!
Privatize the garbage collection!
How stupid are Saskatonians anyway. We need new bridges, new roads and repair of our old crumbling roads.
But, we have a 58 million dollar art gallery, a 5 million dollar windmill, and bike paths in a city covered in snow for 6 or more months of the year.
I will rest easy knowing that the City can't balance its budget, but at least no expense has been spared on my garbage!


Alas, maybe it is I who is short sighted. After all, the Blackstrap ski hill was created from a giant mound of garbage in the middle of a field. Again, the subject of another previous blog post. Maybe the opposition to a recycling program is actually part of a long-term plan for Saskatoon to develop a new provincial-class ski resort. Saskatoon Winter 2022 Winter Olympics anyone? Talk about deja vu!

Saskatchewannabes!

Hands off Saskatchewan. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Brad Wall. Ed Stelmach, take note. The Canucks are BC’s team (being in the Best Place on Earth has its perks).

Two of these things are not like the other...

Yeah, I know Saskatchewan has no NHL franchise – just those WHL Blades – but that doesn’t mean any old Saskatchewannabe can just waltz over to BC during the playoffs, don a jersey, and become part of Canuck towel power. Not even if you're the premier.

Instead, stick to doing what Saskatchewan does best – wearing watermelons on your head while getting hypothermia.

GO CANUCKS GO!!!!